Where in the hell am I?

October 24, 2010

The Naked Flag Lady Story, part 2

(click here for part 1)

So before I start, I should probably make it clear that this was not Kristen Bell naked wrapped in an American flag (although that thought helps clear my mind of the reality!). Imagine your stereotypical “Haggard, Wrinkled, Skinny Late 50s Biker Mama” straight from Central Casting, and you get the idea…

By this time, maybe 10-12 minutes had passed from the time we first noticed her. My boss had finally joined us, after being filled in by the field techs. He stepped between us and the Naked Flag Lady, and told her that he was who she should be talking to. Once again, she yelled “Who said you could be on this property?, to which Ken replied, “the right-of-way agent.”

She did not like this answer either, and she went off, yelling semi-coherently about “That sounds like a private company!” and “It sounds like you think you’re the government!” and “This is why people hate the government because they think they can just go where they want on people’s private property!”

Ken told her that we weren’t with the government, that we were working for a company building a pipeline, and that they had told us that we were clear to access this property.

Of course, she was way beyond reason at this point, so she turned her attention back to Suzanne and myself. She said, “These motherfuckers ignored me”, and we apologized again. Then she looked at me, “And this motherfucker was disrespectful,” for which I once again apologized.

She wasn’t done though. Next she glares at us and growls, “What are your names?”, to which Suzanne replied, “Suzanne.” Naked Flag Lady gets a new level of crazy in her eye and growls even more deeply, “Don’t fucking talk to me like I’m a fucking kindergarten teacher, I want your full name, motherfucker!”

We both complied, as did Ken, who then told her that he was the one in charge and to direct her questions to him. She turned her head and yelled, “Larry” back towards the house several time. Then she turned back to us and snarled, “Call 911!” I took out my phone and began to dial, but then Naked Flag Lady said, “Never mind.”

Note: this would have been my best chance to take a photo of her, and I was kicking myself later! At the time, of course, I was trying my hardest not to look at her and hoping she didn’t get so mad she lost hold of the flag…

She then ordered us to follow her back to the house. Ken told us to stay put. She repeated herself, and Ken told her clearly that he would be the only one going with her. So she told us to “Stay there!” and turned to walk back to the house with Ken.

It turns out that the poorly wrapped flag didn’t quite reach all the way around her! Her ass was almost totally hanging out. Worst of all, she kept looking back to make sure that we weren’t going anywhere, so we were afraid to look away!

We looked at our watches and realized that all of this had taken no more than 15 minutes. We waited at the fence for another 10 minutes, and finally saw Ken leaving the house (and breathed a sigh of relief!), so we finally were able to get off her property.

When Ken finally gets back to the truck, he fills us in on the rest of the story. Apparently, she was in the shower when the dogs started barking as we were leaving, so she grabbed the first thing she could find to put in, which was one of a number of flags drying in the living room. She went in to a bedroom to get dressed, and Larry started chatting with Ken. Naked Flag Lady  yelled through the door, “Larry, stop talking to him!”, after which Larry shut up with an apologetic look in his eyes.

When she came out, she pointed to a different flag, made of a sheer blue material, and said “I almost grabbed that one, then y’all would have gotten quite a show!”

(reimagining Kristen Bell naked wrapped in an American flag again)

As it turns out, we actually were trespassing! Her right-of-entry agreement included a 24-hour notification clause, and no one had called her. On top of that, we were the third crew for this project who had been out there in the past week or so, and she hadn’t been called at all!

So we were the straw that broke the camel’s back. But don’t feel too bad for her, she did try and sic her dogs on us several times when we were standing there cooperatively!

We would later find out from the wetlands survey crew that Naked Flag Lady had come out to yell at them earlier in the week, but then she calmed down and actually had them in for tea!

We would also find out that the client, who was the person who actually told us that we were good to go, had never even checked the form to see the 24-hour notice clause. So we couldn’t even yell at someone about it!

Well, that’s the Naked Flag Lady story. It was both a little funny and a lot scary at the time. And if you ever want me to tell you in person, just go ahead and ask!

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1 Comment »

  1. I wish I could say “only in Texas”, but I know better. Still, glad you’re ok and the Doberman didn’t get hurt. They are lovely, sweet, dogs that are often smarter than their owners.

    Comment by ArchyFantasies — February 19, 2014 @ 2:35 pm


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